February 2012
1 post
Roses
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Marigolds are reddish-orange.
Orchids are various colors depending on climate and seasonal factors.
October 2009
3 posts
1 tag
Diversity means one black person.
Contextual messaging
I was trying to type “karaoke” into a text message. I had “karaok” all typed out using my phone’s predictive text feature, but when I typed the last “e”, the phone changed the word I had typed, ironically, to “Japanld.” I don’t know what the “LD” part is about, but the Japan thing was funny. Also, what word that starts with...
Hyper bowl
I know a guy who speaks entirely in hyperbole. He will eat a chip and call it phenomenal. When aliens land here someday, as far as he is able to communicate, the event will be equal to that chip.
September 2009
8 posts
After-contemporary
I was making my way back from a friend’s house two nights ago. The weather was warm, no wind, clear view to the moon. Now I prefer to walk neighborhood streets instead of busier traffic lanes to fully enjoy these nights, however, you should know that there has been a recent spate of muggings of young white guys walking alone at night in my area, and I probably should have taken a busier...
I.W.B.H.
I’ve been chasing this guy ever since I joined the force. He has no conscience, and he shows no remorse. He’s the mastermind behind numerous bombings and political assassinations. He has a felony record a mile long: murder, arson, kidnapping, terrorism, you name it. He’s the most dangerous and brilliant criminal mind I’ve ever known. For years I’ve been watching...
1 tag
Can you spot which five people are uncomfortable?
“When it comes to web videos, I don’t have time for any that are longer...”
Clothes
A day will come when a garment is created that is timeless and flattering on everyone.
Then, the following spring, plaid!
1 tag
Suicide pact!
Brotherhood
One day we will all put aside our differences and link hands to form a chain of brotherhood around the entire earth.
That’s when we’ll defeat those Arabs.
Fact
Every freezer must come with a bag of peas. That’s the only explanation.
August 2009
23 posts
Elevator
Because my belt was too tight and I was by myself on an elevator, I quickly unfastened and loosened it. Before I could finish, the doors opened and a woman got on. I wonder what she thought I had been doing in there.
1 tag
Pipefitters local 383
How to die
A girl I know—my best friend in fact—told me that the way she would like to die would be to know the exact date when it would happen. She said she would put on a beautiful gown and have a great dinner, go dancing, and then make love to her soul mate. After that, she would be happy to die, because it would have followed the best day of her life.
So I killed her on her wedding...
“If Gillette were in the silverware business, how many prongs would a fork have?”
Dumb names
If some guy named his son “Pack,” and then, one day Pack stole your backpack, you could make the demand: “Give me my backpack back Pack.” Maybe you’re wondering why anyone would name a kid “Pack”? But the real question is why is he such a jerk?
Heroes in a half shell
Why do Ninja Turtles wear masks?
“WHO WAS THAT?”
“I don’t know! He was wearing a mask.”
Celebrities
The other day I saw celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck. Wolfgang Puck! I told him I was a huge fan of his work. He didn’t ask me about my work, though. Jesus Christ manners people.
1 tag
Ok, ready team? T.J. Maxx Clearance Outleteers on the count of eight!
Robot kids
Remember the 80’s sitcom “Small Wonder”? It was the show about the family living with their robot daughter Vicki. Honestly, weren’t we all just waiting for her to kill everybody?
Chocolate chips
In the suburbs, if you want to find chocolate chips at 11:00pm on a Sunday, you have to drive all the F over Creation. I went to five places, mostly gas stations and 24-hour Walgreens, and still didn’t find any. If you want advice on finding chocolate chips in a similar situation, DON’T ASK ME.
Psalm
At mass one weekend, the cantor sang the the following responsorial psalm, based on a passage from the Book of Wisdom:
“You gave us bread from heaven, Lord: a sweet-tasting bread that was very good to eat”
I sang back: “Can I get the recipe?”
I lived the '29 panic
My name is Jarvis Stapleton, originally from North Puyallup, outside Tacoma, but now a resident of the big red apple. Father was a pig farmer, but that wasn’t in the cards for me. I pulled up stakes and high-tailed it to New York City—spent half my fortune to get there, too. When I arrived, I got straight into the markets, trading in pork bellies. I guess you could say I had...
Drunks
When you’re drunk and you fake fight, it turns into a real fight, real quick.
1 tag
The Red-Headed Club adopts a new membership policy.
Starving orphans
In hopes of empathizing with all the starving orphans around the world, I always throw away half of all my meals. What have you done to help?
Keys
You can’t have the keys to my heart, but I’m willing to make you a copy at Home Depot.
“Why is it that when someone responds to you by saying “Interesting,”...”
Protein
I went to baseball game. Besides a lot of peanuts, I ate a hot dog. Then I went to a restaurant, where I ate gourmet pork rinds, Serrano ham, charcuterie (foie gras terrine, a french sausage, pork pie and head cheese) and country ribs. Then I went to White Castle and got some sliders.
There’s no punchline. That’s just a lot of meat, don’t you think?
1 tag
One of us is short.
Grandparents
Boy, isn’t it funny how racist grandparents are?
1 tag
Blood
“There was a moment (1…2…3…) where I thought that I had gotten away with it. And then, no. The blood begin to flow; I had knicked an artery with my number 15. My lips had been stuck together with dried saliva, but a single prayer managed to escape: ‘Oh shit, Lord.’ Heart began to sprint. Blood came faster. A panic of silence filled the room.
Five years...
Soul void
My friend sent me a message. Upon reading it, I was filled with a dread fear that there was something in the world for me, but that I would never know it.
The message said “OMG I had something I wanted to tell you earlier but I forgot it lol :)”
Infidelity
If you’re going to cheat on me, my only request is that you don’t.
1 tag
WARNING: Glue dries instantly. Do NOT allow it to come in contact with skin.
“Quick! Act natural!”
July 2009
27 posts
“People who use smaller words than I do are idiots. People who use larger words...”
Love fool
Man.
I just want to fall in love and get it over with.
Heroes
You know how some people say single, working moms are the real heroes? What about Superman?
1 tag
Together, we can make the 90’s last forever.
Morning
I know it’s not the most original thought, but what’s the deal with getting up early? What kind of jerk enjoys that?
Board game
Idea: No Country for Old Men board game. Pick a character from the movie: Woody Harrelson, Psycho Guy, Tommy Lee Jones. The goal is to get the suitcase of money. Characters act different ways, like if you’re the psycho, you have to flip a coin, etc. Then there’s a pile of cards with different plot points. In the end, you have a weird dream and explain it to your wife.
Duality
Sometimes I am amazed by the duality of the individual human consciousness. Actually, nevermind.
Birthday
My sister Laurie once sent me a birthday card with Corn Pops in the envelope. It said, “Happy birthday, Chris. Here are some Corn Pops.”
1 tag
Weekly need for human contact: satisfied.
“There is a new enemy. Freaks of nature who interfere with our business. Find...”
– Shredder
Socks
I like wearing my black ski socks, because they’re warm and comfortable. Initially, I was wary; dress socks are black and dress socks are uncomfortable. Luckily, it turns out that the only trait that my ski socks shared with dress socks was the color (they did not share the uncomfortability trait.)
1 tag
At the docks
“…but I had pulled through, if only on hands and knees. I made my way casually to the waterfront and hopefully the ship that would take me to my man on the other side: Red 82. I prayed I wasn’t too late with my precious cargo (religion reserved for emergency only); I signed the Cross with my right hand and patted the .45 in my jacket with my left. God I didn’t want to use it,...
“Got tight last night on absinthe. Did knife tricks.”
– Ernest Hemingway