August 2009
23 posts
1 tag
WARNING: Glue dries instantly. Do NOT allow it to come in contact with skin.
“Quick! Act natural!”
July 2009
27 posts
“People who use smaller words than I do are idiots. People who use larger words...”
Love fool
Man.
I just want to fall in love and get it over with.
Heroes
You know how some people say single, working moms are the real heroes? What about Superman?
1 tag
Together, we can make the 90’s last forever.
Morning
I know it’s not the most original thought, but what’s the deal with getting up early? What kind of jerk enjoys that?
Board game
Idea: No Country for Old Men board game. Pick a character from the movie: Woody Harrelson, Psycho Guy, Tommy Lee Jones. The goal is to get the suitcase of money. Characters act different ways, like if you’re the psycho, you have to flip a coin, etc. Then there’s a pile of cards with different plot points. In the end, you have a weird dream and explain it to your wife.
Duality
Sometimes I am amazed by the duality of the individual human consciousness. Actually, nevermind.
Birthday
My sister Laurie once sent me a birthday card with Corn Pops in the envelope. It said, “Happy birthday, Chris. Here are some Corn Pops.”
1 tag
Weekly need for human contact: satisfied.
“There is a new enemy. Freaks of nature who interfere with our business. Find...”
– Shredder
Socks
I like wearing my black ski socks, because they’re warm and comfortable. Initially, I was wary; dress socks are black and dress socks are uncomfortable. Luckily, it turns out that the only trait that my ski socks shared with dress socks was the color (they did not share the uncomfortability trait.)
1 tag
At the docks
“…but I had pulled through, if only on hands and knees. I made my way casually to the waterfront and hopefully the ship that would take me to my man on the other side: Red 82. I prayed I wasn’t too late with my precious cargo (religion reserved for emergency only); I signed the Cross with my right hand and patted the .45 in my jacket with my left. God I didn’t want to use it,...
“Got tight last night on absinthe. Did knife tricks.”
– Ernest Hemingway
HOPE.
It was cool for a while, but now I’m into the new Dirty Projectors album.
Racism
Anyone who says racism doesn’t exist never did laundry.
1 tag
The bashful orgy.
“Deep down he’s really very kind.”
“Deep down? So…rarely?”
Friendship
If you want to borrow money from me, I’m going to throw it on the ground for you to pick up. Sorry, that’s my policy.
Life is like a bottle kind of
If I had the right kind of opener, I could use it to open this bottle and demonstrate how life is just like an open, flowing bottle. But since I don’t, let me tell you how life is exactly like a tightly closed bottle.
Some dumb forest.
1 tag
Nice and slow
Instead of stop-smoking aids, how about start-smoking aids? Something like a patch that increases in small increments, that way, you don’t just jump rashly into smoking; you ease into it, nice and slow.
Happiness
Sometimes I wish I could invent a magic pill that would make everyone happy and the world a better place, and I would give it to everyone for free. Then when they came back for more, I’d sell it for a hundred dollars a pop.
The internet version of a camera filming the TV...
Click here for internet infinity!
AT&T Rollover Minutes
Listen dude.
Stop and think for one second. You’ve been on AT&T for a while, you have had time to come to a good understanding of how your minutes are charged. To summarize: they are rollover minutes. They don’t expire; they don’t go bad like old fruit. So why do you keep throwing them away? You’re stressing out your mom, who has already spent four commercials...
“I love the way Rodney Dangerfield dances.”
– http://rodneydance.ytmnd.com/