August 2009
23 posts
Elevator
Because my belt was too tight and I was by myself on an elevator, I quickly unfastened and loosened it. Before I could finish, the doors opened and a woman got on. I wonder what she thought I had been doing in there.
1 tag
Pipefitters local 383
How to die
A girl I know—my best friend in fact—told me that the way she would like to die would be to know the exact date when it would happen. She said she would put on a beautiful gown and have a great dinner, go dancing, and then make love to her soul mate. After that, she would be happy to die, because it would have followed the best day of her life.
So I killed her on her wedding...
“If Gillette were in the silverware business, how many prongs would a fork have?”
Dumb names
If some guy named his son “Pack,” and then, one day Pack stole your backpack, you could make the demand: “Give me my backpack back Pack.” Maybe you’re wondering why anyone would name a kid “Pack”? But the real question is why is he such a jerk?
Heroes in a half shell
Why do Ninja Turtles wear masks?
“WHO WAS THAT?”
“I don’t know! He was wearing a mask.”
Celebrities
The other day I saw celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck. Wolfgang Puck! I told him I was a huge fan of his work. He didn’t ask me about my work, though. Jesus Christ manners people.
1 tag
Ok, ready team? T.J. Maxx Clearance Outleteers on the count of eight!
Robot kids
Remember the 80’s sitcom “Small Wonder”? It was the show about the family living with their robot daughter Vicki. Honestly, weren’t we all just waiting for her to kill everybody?
Chocolate chips
In the suburbs, if you want to find chocolate chips at 11:00pm on a Sunday, you have to drive all the F over Creation. I went to five places, mostly gas stations and 24-hour Walgreens, and still didn’t find any. If you want advice on finding chocolate chips in a similar situation, DON’T ASK ME.
Psalm
At mass one weekend, the cantor sang the the following responsorial psalm, based on a passage from the Book of Wisdom:
“You gave us bread from heaven, Lord: a sweet-tasting bread that was very good to eat”
I sang back: “Can I get the recipe?”
I lived the '29 panic
My name is Jarvis Stapleton, originally from North Puyallup, outside Tacoma, but now a resident of the big red apple. Father was a pig farmer, but that wasn’t in the cards for me. I pulled up stakes and high-tailed it to New York City—spent half my fortune to get there, too. When I arrived, I got straight into the markets, trading in pork bellies. I guess you could say I had...
Drunks
When you’re drunk and you fake fight, it turns into a real fight, real quick.
1 tag
The Red-Headed Club adopts a new membership policy.
Starving orphans
In hopes of empathizing with all the starving orphans around the world, I always throw away half of all my meals. What have you done to help?
Keys
You can’t have the keys to my heart, but I’m willing to make you a copy at Home Depot.
“Why is it that when someone responds to you by saying “Interesting,”...”
Protein
I went to baseball game. Besides a lot of peanuts, I ate a hot dog. Then I went to a restaurant, where I ate gourmet pork rinds, Serrano ham, charcuterie (foie gras terrine, a french sausage, pork pie and head cheese) and country ribs. Then I went to White Castle and got some sliders.
There’s no punchline. That’s just a lot of meat, don’t you think?
1 tag
One of us is short.
Grandparents
Boy, isn’t it funny how racist grandparents are?
1 tag
Blood
“There was a moment (1…2…3…) where I thought that I had gotten away with it. And then, no. The blood begin to flow; I had knicked an artery with my number 15. My lips had been stuck together with dried saliva, but a single prayer managed to escape: ‘Oh shit, Lord.’ Heart began to sprint. Blood came faster. A panic of silence filled the room.
Five years...
Soul void
My friend sent me a message. Upon reading it, I was filled with a dread fear that there was something in the world for me, but that I would never know it.
The message said “OMG I had something I wanted to tell you earlier but I forgot it lol :)”
Infidelity
If you’re going to cheat on me, my only request is that you don’t.