If Gillette were in the silverware business, how many prongs would a fork have?
Dumb names
If some guy named his son “Pack,” and then, one day Pack stole your backpack, you could make the demand: “Give me my backpack back Pack.” Maybe you’re wondering why anyone would name a kid “Pack”? But the real question is why is he such a jerk?
Heroes in a half shell
Why do Ninja Turtles wear masks?
“WHO WAS THAT?”
“I don’t know! He was wearing a mask.”
Celebrities
The other day I saw celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck. Wolfgang Puck! I told him I was a huge fan of his work. He didn’t ask me about my work, though. Jesus Christ manners people.
Ok, ready team? T.J. Maxx Clearance Outleteers on the count of eight!
Robot kids
Remember the 80’s sitcom “Small Wonder”? It was the show about the family living with their robot daughter Vicki. Honestly, weren’t we all just waiting for her to kill everybody?
Chocolate chips
In the suburbs, if you want to find chocolate chips at 11:00pm on a Sunday, you have to drive all the F over Creation. I went to five places, mostly gas stations and 24-hour Walgreens, and still didn’t find any. If you want advice on finding chocolate chips in a similar situation, DON’T ASK ME.
Psalm
At mass one weekend, the cantor sang the the following responsorial psalm, based on a passage from the Book of Wisdom:
“You gave us bread from heaven, Lord: a sweet-tasting bread that was very good to eat”
I sang back: “Can I get the recipe?”
I lived the ‘29 panic
My name is Jarvis Stapleton, originally from North Puyallup, outside Tacoma, but now a resident of the big red apple. Father was a pig farmer, but that wasn’t in the cards for me. I pulled up stakes and high-tailed it to New York City—spent half my fortune to get there, too. When I arrived, I got straight into the markets, trading in pork bellies. I guess you could say I had entered the family business HA! Well, everything was ring-a-ding-ding when it all went from easy street to hooverville. I ended up losing the other half working in corn husks. Barely have a sawbuck and a Lincoln to my name now, and I’m always the first in the breadline every morning, togged to the bricks though it won’t get you soup any faster! HA!
Drunks
When you’re drunk and you fake fight, it turns into a real fight, real quick.
The Red-Headed Club adopts a new membership policy.
Starving orphans
In hopes of empathizing with all the starving orphans around the world, I always throw away half of all my meals. What have you done to help?
Keys
You can’t have the keys to my heart, but I’m willing to make you a copy at Home Depot.
Why is it that when someone responds to you by saying “Interesting,” they really mean the exact opposite?
Protein
I went to baseball game. Besides a lot of peanuts, I ate a hot dog. Then I went to a restaurant, where I ate gourmet pork rinds, Serrano ham, charcuterie (foie gras terrine, a french sausage, pork pie and head cheese) and country ribs. Then I went to White Castle and got some sliders.
There’s no punchline. That’s just a lot of meat, don’t you think?
