I will become him

Roses

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 15:57:53 -0600

Roses are red,

Violets are blue.

Marigolds are reddish-orange.

Orchids are various colors depending on climate and seasonal factors.

Diversity means one black person.

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 15:10:45 -0500

Diversity means one black person.

Contextual messaging

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 10:56:00 -0500

I was trying to type “karaoke” into a text message. I had “karaok” all typed out using my phone’s predictive text feature, but when I typed the last “e”, the phone changed the word I had typed, ironically, to “Japanld.” I don’t know what the “LD” part is about, but the Japan thing was funny. Also, what word that starts with “karaok” doesn’t end in “e”?

Later, I realized just how cynical I am when I tried to type “each” into a text message and I saw that my phone had been trained to show “dbag” instead.

Hyper bowl

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 13:08:49 -0500

I know a guy who speaks entirely in hyperbole. He will eat a chip and call it phenomenal. When aliens land here someday, as far as he is able to communicate, the event will be equal to that chip.

After-contemporary

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 17:16:00 -0500

I was making my way back from a friend’s house two nights ago. The weather was warm, no wind, clear view to the moon. Now I prefer to walk neighborhood streets instead of busier traffic lanes to fully enjoy these nights, however, you should know that there has been a recent spate of muggings of young white guys walking alone at night in my area, and I probably should have taken a busier street. But as I said, I did not.

So I was walking along when I heard a sharp crack in a bush ten feet ahead of me. The bush rounded the corner of a house, so that while most of it was visible, a part swung around the house and into a sort-of alley. I didn’t think too much of it, because it could have been many different things and probably was just a rat or cat. And while it would be easy to assume danger was around the corner, I’m a subscriber to Ockham’s Razor and knew that it was most likely nothing of any interest.

That’s when I heard whispers.

Now I knew the crack was not just a rat or cat, but instead the angry smack of a blackjack on a palm, or the break of a pool cue into two impromptu weapons, to be divided among assailants who only had time to grab one weapon before going out to beat and rob. Evil, in some form, sought me from behind that corner…

And yet I continued toward the sounds. That part I will never understand. Was it a weird desire to assert myself in spite of the world? Or maybe an anger at an unfounded fear that needed to be squashed by nothing less than visual proof?

I kept walking. I was three feet away from the corner when another crack rang out, much louder and clearer than before, and I saw that the noiseΩ was not

Wait a minute.

Was that an omega symbol?

Cool! How did I just type that? (I broke two fingers recently so my typing has been off) Ok let’s see, maybe shift plus “O”? O. Nope. How about option plus “O”. ø. Not quite but getting there. I’ll try option plus other stuff. ¡™£¢∞§¶•ªº–≠ COOL! œ∑´®†¥¨ˆøπ“‘«åß∂ƒ©˙∆ Oooh delta! Gotta be here… ˚¬…Ω Oh I see. It’s option plus “Z”! That makes sense.

Well neat! That’s my typing tip of the week. For more tips please visit http://www.fingerworks.com/typing.html

Have a great day!

I.W.B.H.

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 11:58:07 -0500

I’ve been chasing this guy ever since I joined the force. He has no conscience, and he shows no remorse. He’s the mastermind behind numerous bombings and political assassinations. He has a felony record a mile long: murder, arson, kidnapping, terrorism, you name it. He’s the most dangerous and brilliant criminal mind I’ve ever known. For years I’ve been watching him, tracking him, studying his every move. I know his every mannerism, facial tick, gesture. I know him better than he knows himself. And now after all this time, I’ve finally figured out a way to trap him…

I will become him.

Can you spot which five people are uncomfortable?

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 10:47:27 -0500

Can you spot which five people are uncomfortable?

"When it comes to web videos, I don’t have time for any that are longer than five minutes, nor..."

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 15:20:00 -0500

“When it comes to web videos, I don’t have time for any that are longer than five minutes, nor can I be bothered to watch more than 30 or 40 in a row at MOST.”

Clothes

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 12:53:00 -0500

A day will come when a garment is created that is timeless and flattering on everyone.

Then, the following spring, plaid!

Suicide pact!

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 12:55:51 -0500

Suicide pact!

Brotherhood

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 12:36:00 -0500

One day we will all put aside our differences and link hands to form a chain of brotherhood around the entire earth.

That’s when we’ll defeat those Arabs.

Fact

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 11:25:00 -0500

Every freezer must come with a bag of peas. That’s the only explanation.

Elevator

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 10:26:54 -0500

Because my belt was too tight and I was by myself on an elevator, I quickly unfastened and loosened it. Before I could finish, the doors opened and a woman got on. I wonder what she thought I had been doing in there.

Pipefitters local 383

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 11:19:35 -0500

Pipefitters local 383

How to die

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 11:18:44 -0500

A girl I know—my best friend in fact—told me that the way she would like to die would be to know the exact date when it would happen. She said she would put on a beautiful gown and have a great dinner, go dancing, and then make love to her soul mate. After that, she would be happy to die, because it would have followed the best day of her life.

So I killed her on her wedding night. Because you know, pay it forward.

"If Gillette were in the silverware business, how many prongs would a fork have?"

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 13:21:00 -0500

“If Gillette were in the silverware business, how many prongs would a fork have?”

Dumb names

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 11:11:43 -0500

If some guy named his son “Pack,” and then, one day Pack stole your backpack, you could make the demand: “Give me my backpack back Pack.” Maybe you’re wondering why anyone would name a kid “Pack”? But the real question is why is he such a jerk?

Heroes in a half shell

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 11:25:00 -0500

Why do Ninja Turtles wear masks?

“WHO WAS THAT?”

“I don’t know! He was wearing a mask.”

Celebrities

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 11:24:43 -0500

The other day I saw celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck. Wolfgang Puck! I told him I was a huge fan of his work. He didn’t ask me about my work, though. Jesus Christ manners people.

Ok, ready team? T.J. Maxx Clearance Outleteers on the count of eight!

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 11:37:50 -0500

Ok, ready team? T.J. Maxx Clearance Outleteers on the count of eight!